I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
