I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
