It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
