Well douche your snatch and let's go!
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
