I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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