I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
