did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
