i just wanna soil my oats bro
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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