hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
