Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Randomize
