Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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