and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
