I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
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