Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Thank you for not boning my boss.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
