Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
