My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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