I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
