I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize