I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
