I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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