I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
