I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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