smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
