I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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