Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
