i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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