He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
