also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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