Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
