It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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