Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
