my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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