Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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