this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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