So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
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