when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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