Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
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