So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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