After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
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