i don't plan on having that self control this summer
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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