I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
