you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
