she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
