I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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