I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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