I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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