don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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