I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
