please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
