I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
