You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize