it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
