My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
