I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
