Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
