It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
