It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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