i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
