Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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