Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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